Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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