I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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