OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
