She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
