she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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