Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
COCAINE IS GR8
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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