At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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