I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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