I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We're too hungover to prance.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
