What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
