There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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