I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
