sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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