i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
