i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
