We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
