I think I won the penis lottery.
Welp...herpes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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