Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She bit a glass in half.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize