i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
