I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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