he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
