Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize