I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm getting married
To pizza
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
