My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
