I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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