My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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