What did we do last night that was yellow?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
