i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He has the fingertips of a God
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