I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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