Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
