i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
