i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
