nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Randomize
