Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize