I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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