so that wasnt chicken after all
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
