I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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