You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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