I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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