If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
