Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
