I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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