cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
