hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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