either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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