He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
there is glitter all over my balls
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I forget how to act sober
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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