a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
