So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
FUCK WHALES
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
