Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
