Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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