Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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