I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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