Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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