Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
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