What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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