I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
