If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
