This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
