I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
