He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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