At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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