So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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