She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
