You're so nebulous sometimes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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