How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
