ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize