im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
